MARRIAGE OWNER'S MANUAL
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[Media Connections] [Reformed Review]  [Grand Rapids Magazine]
[Grand Rapids Press]  [Calvin College Spark]  [Inner Compass] 
 
It comes as little suprise that American marriages are in trouble. Dr. Linda Dykstra, a marital therapist, believes there are concrete answers to stem the tide of the divorce epidemic.
When a marriage is built on shared values, empathy, assertiveness, unconditional love, and compromise, emotional and physical intimacy is the byproduct. She claims relationships often suffer because couples are cross-communicating--or talking past each other.
As a rule of thumb, spouses want empathy, not advice, Dykstra notes. For her, understanding the difference between when we are communicating with our heads [intellectual] instead of with our hearts [emotional] is an essential component to success in marriage.
Dykstra differentiates between a functional relationship and one where there is emotional intimacy. Functional relationships are prone to failure, extramarital affairs, and chronic conflict, while relationships with emotional intimacy are more stable.
Dr. Dykstra is the founder of the Mediation Center of Grand Rapids, Michigan, and author of Marriage Owner's Manual. Her book covers all phases of a relationship. It offers specific help for engaged couples and married couples alike in determining compatibility and problem-solving for relationships.

- Media Connections     top of page



Special contributions of this book include a careful examination of value differences and their impact on a relationship. In an age when the whole society has experienced the enormous suffering of the children of divorce, it is helpful to have a resource which promotes the promise of negotiation and compromise. Of particular interest is the value that the author places on the importance of the giving and receiving of personal and interpersonal forgiveness as a rigorous and thorough process. There is also a helpful chapter on options short of divorce such as supplementing a less than ideal marriage with "positive fulfillment in activities outside of the marriage" (160); a "time-limited" separation while working on a possible reconciliation; and separate maintenance while living apart. One of the strengths of the book is the thorough description of the divorce mediation process where a couple finds a humane and cooperative way to reduce conflict and to increase cooperation in all areas, including co-parenting.

- Reformed Review - Stanley A. Rock    



Author and psychologist Linda Hertel Dykstra, Ph.D, has written "MARRIAGE OWNER'S MANUAL." The book, organized like an owner's manual for a car, is divided into sections titled Design, Operation, Repair, Breakdown and Rebuilding. Chock-full of charts, evaluation forms, and sample divorce forms, the manual is rooted in the findings of Dykstra's two practices - one a marital therapy practice and the other the Mediation Center of Grand Rapids, Michigan, which she began in 1987 as a litigation-free option to divorce.
Dykstra, a Calvin College graduate, has been practicing psychology for about 25 years, and uses the book's evaluation forms with her own clients.

- Grand Rapids Magazine    

Linda and Calvin Dykstra, MD, have been married for 33 years.
Q:    What's the difference between divorce mediation and the usual manner in which couples end a marriage?
 
A: First of all, there are options short of divorce. I'm a marriage counselor, and divorce is the last choice, but if clients ultimately decide to divorce, my attorney partner and I talk to them about a creative option called divorce mediation. What happens in the traditional process is that both parties hire an attorney and these attorneys would work out for them how they're going to divide their assets. In contrast, what happens with divorce mediation is the couple comes in, and we help the two of them talk through all of the issues that need to be decided in a divorce.
 
Q: What is the attorney's role?
 
A: He serves as an educator and a resource person. He does not represent either of them. He's a neutral person. Together we can help them move through both the legal and the emotional aspects of divorce.
 
Q: Are there specific advantages to divorce mediation, particularly in divorces where children are involved?
 
A: First of all, it allows people to end a relationship in a more positive and amicable manner. It allows them to have a personal relationship with each other, post-divorce. One of the reasons that I as a marriage counselor was attracted to mediation is that it allows parents to plan together for the co-parenting of their children after the divorce so the children don't get caught between them in a hostile and adversarial way.
 
- The Grand Rapids Press    



I go to work and see miracles happen," said Linda Hertel Dykstra, author of Marriage Owner's Manual, and a marriage counselor for the last 25 years. "I know this works; I see it happen every day. How can I not share that with other people?" Such was the impetus for Dykstra's first book based on the success she has seen assessing and applying her five components of marriage to the many couples she has counseled over the years. The book offers advice to couples who are dating, enrichment to couples in good marriages, support and options other than divorce to couples who are struggling, guidance on divorce mediation and instruction on remarriage.
Dykstra concentrates on the five components of marriage which relate to: heart to heart communications, anger, negotiation/compromise, values and conditional vs. unconditional love.
The book teaches you how to evaluate where you and your partner fall on an assessment scale in each of these categories. "This shows you where the trouble spots are and in which skills," said Dykstra. Although Dykstra is deeply committed to marriage, she also understands that there are times when divorce may be the only option. For this reason, she writes of divorce mediation as an alternative to the traditional divorce process. "I am dedicated to marriage," she said. "I believe that a marriage calls two people together to be the best people they can be."

- The Calvin College Spark    



Linda did more than describe good and bad ways of handling a rocky marriage. She portrayed a world of hope for those in despair."

- Jazmyne Fuentes, producer of Inner Compass TV interview show